Current mood:	silly
Current music:	Cocteau Twins

I was talking to Sharon about going to Penn, and our aspirations as professors and all that, and somehow we ended up making up a bizarre story full of sex and violence. It's long, but worth reading. We end up involved in an orgy with PETA, at a hospital, in a library.

SaffyCat: also build up a professional reputation.... i mean, can you imagine me actually teaching a class?
Nick 42160: sure, you're standing on a stepladder because it's adorable, and making cutting comments about your students to make them bow to the chief
SaffyCat: it's hard to be mean to a whole lecture hall at once
SaffyCat: i'm thinking i should have a thuggish TA
Nick 42160: i would have to be one of those disheveled but sage professors who stumbles in 3 minutes late with his shirt buttoned the wrong way, then writes something overwhelming on the board
SaffyCat: why is your shirt buttoned the wrong way? what were you doing before class?

Nick 42160: his name could be brutus, and he could be studying lord byron for his grad degree
Nick 42160: it would be uncertain if it was from sex or disorientation
SaffyCat: hehe, academia is all about the cronies
SaffyCat: i'm usually disoriented too, so maybe i should play that up
Nick 42160: mine would be from sweden; lithe, but with a cold, distant personality
Nick 42160: she'd delight in manipulating the undergrads
SaffyCat: she could write a thesis about it
Nick 42160: perhaps, but i suspect she's mostly focusing on international relations
SaffyCat: ew, international relations. everybody's majoring in that these days
Nick 42160: yeah
Nick 42160: but she want to use it to take over the un and make them her sex slaves
SaffyCat: maybe this is just my parents' bias - they also want to veto interdisciplinary majors :-)
SaffyCat: wow, what's your relationship with her?
Nick 42160: completely professional, because even i know better than that
Nick 42160: but we like to go to coffeeshops together to fuck with people
Nick 42160: because i'm making this up, i'll say she's either dating, or has dated brutus
Nick 42160: it's vague whether they're still together, because he only speaks in obscure byron metaphors, and she'd kill before revealing anything like that
SaffyCat: well, i'd guess they're still together
SaffyCat: how often are you going to find a guy who's at once so pretentious and thuggish?
SaffyCat: he's a keeper
Nick 42160: he is known for his ability to do handstand pushups while holding the collected works between his feet
Nick 42160: that's impressive
SaffyCat: what do i think of him?
Nick 42160: what do you think of him?
Nick 42160: (you get to make stuff up too)
SaffyCat: well, i tend not to go for the muscular type
Nick 42160: right
SaffyCat: or, really, anybody who has visible fat or muscle at all
SaffyCat: so i guess i'm probably perplexed by his effect on the female undergraduates
SaffyCat: and secretly jealous that i don't cause such an effect in their male peers
SaffyCat: i almost said "arouse," but that's really not what i want, is it? :-)
Nick 42160: well, that really depends on your methods
SaffyCat: what do you mean?
Nick 42160: if you want to seduce students, then he'd make you jealous
Nick 42160: if you want them off guard, he's just useful
SaffyCat: i would like him to be more menacing and less brooding and sexy
SaffyCat: the jerk
Nick 42160: so you're constantly trying to sow the seeds of unbridled rage in him
Nick 42160: through vicious and castigating criticism
SaffyCat: but i'd be terrified he'd beat me up. i think mostly i'd just be cold and distant, and he'd be too dense or preoccupied to notice
Nick 42160: excellent
SaffyCat: then finally there'd be an ambiguous confrontation, that would unnerve both of us
SaffyCat: and it would get around.... i bet there's a lot of gossip and in-fighting in academia
Nick 42160: which would take place, for drama's sake, in a library, during a blackout, with the only light shining from the stadium through the floor-to ceiling windows
Nick 42160: mise-en-scene to the max
SaffyCat: and it ends with us kissing, bizarrely, like all such confrontations
Nick 42160: just then the night janitor walks in
SaffyCat: or your TA
Nick 42160: hm
SaffyCat: or both, together
Nick 42160: i'd say both, one from each exit
Nick 42160: so he jumps behind the card catalog
SaffyCat: (meanwhile you're in the janitor's closet, alone and disheveled)
Nick 42160: knocking it over, and causing a domino-rally-style disaster
Nick 42160: (i had mistaken it for the olympic-sized swimming pool)
SaffyCat: the microfiche machine lands on your TA, horribly disfiguring her but somehow enhancing her allure
Nick 42160: new features: missing eye, big horror-movie-style sutures running from her neck down to her left hip
SaffyCat: the janitor goes to his closet for a drink, and sees you've already drunk everything, so he beats you over the head with his mop (the stick end)
SaffyCat: you and your TA share an ambulance to the hospital, with sexy results
Nick 42160: the emergency technician was a med school student, and thus asleep
Nick 42160: so we had time to fool around, albeit bloodily
Nick 42160: it's then that i learn, to my puzzlement, that she can quote de sade with almost total-recall-like clarity
SaffyCat: can you? :-)
Nick 42160: nope, i haven't read him since high school
SaffyCat: cuz it'd be funny if you got so caught up in the shared quoting that you didn't have sex
Nick 42160: we can't anyway; my neck's immobilized and she's strapped to a backboard
Nick 42160: but damned if they remembered to tie our arms down
SaffyCat: oh i see, blind groping, very hot
Nick 42160: and somehow when the med tech wakes up, his shirt is untucked
Nick 42160: like that seinfeld episode but backwards
SaffyCat: i should get to fool around in this story
Nick 42160: brutus sprained his wrist in the chaos
Nick 42160: you drive him to the er
Nick 42160: they need him overnight for observation, and he ends up in the same room as us
Nick 42160: you're staying all night to keep an eye on him
SaffyCat: also, i'm maddened by guilt - they put me on sedatives
SaffyCat: (i was going to have our ambulance and car crash into each other... but now we need other overblown melodrama. terrorists take over the hospital?)
Nick 42160: better: PETA
SaffyCat: of course, this hospital doesn't have any animal test subjects. PETA's just pissed about the hospital food, which is eggs and orange juice three meals a day
Nick 42160: so they're going door to door, raiding every room
Nick 42160: making patients eat their ergonomic buckwheat pillows
SaffyCat: meanwhile, i'm collecting eggs for a counteroffensive - to egg them
SaffyCat: brutus and i ambush them in your room
Nick 42160: while you're out getting eggs, my TA and i try to convince him to star in a movie we're making
Nick 42160: an eroticized take on "the wasteland"
SaffyCat: wow
SaffyCat: what's it like?
Nick 42160: it's in its conceptual phase
Nick 42160: his one condition is that you be in a scene
SaffyCat: well, for really artistic porn, sure
Nick 42160: while we're ironing out the details of your role, a peta member storms in
Nick 42160: what do you do?
SaffyCat: i have too many eggs to carry, so i summon brutus via a cryptic message on the intercom.... meanwhile you stall by regaling the PETA guy with tales of your literary, environmentally friendly pornography project
SaffyCat: brutus manages like a hundred eggs with ease
Nick 42160: "fun with recyclables" or something
SaffyCat: so we crawl through the ventilation ducts, remove a ceiling tile over your heads, and egg
Nick 42160: like a chicken fetus apocalypse
SaffyCat: the egging cures the PETA guy of his vitriolic animal rights activism and causes him to remember the thing he really hates is his parents and extended family
Nick 42160: because they named him mortimer
SaffyCat: for both his first and last name
Nick 42160: and his middle name is ebeneezer
Nick 42160: mortimer ebeneezer mortimer
SaffyCat: poor kid
Nick 42160: we convince him to turn his rage on the leaders of the takeover
SaffyCat: the egging makes your TA remember the shame and social conservatism of being female in the old country
Nick 42160: sweden being mostly super-liberal, except for the island she comes from
SaffyCat: she decides to dedicate the rest of her life to her parents' ideals, but wants one more nostalgic romp
SaffyCat: (i want more sex and less violence :-))
Nick 42160: we plot to make her one last romp last until our tenure at least
SaffyCat: meanwhile the PETA guy really needs to be seduced to our side
Nick 42160: he comes back from looking for his leaders, having only searched two rooms, still fuming mad
SaffyCat: where's the rest of PETA?
Nick 42160: the rest of the hospital, collecting up eggs
SaffyCat: there's probably a central storage place with thousands of raw eggs, rarely changed
SaffyCat: PETA's no doubt making for that, so we'd better too, all five of us, immobilized and egg-covered to various degrees
Nick 42160: first we need an eggy sex scene, to balance the ratio
SaffyCat: ok, as an act of protest, PETA guy blasts illegally downloaded porn music over the intercom, and we all oblige
Nick 42160: great, the first orgy and it has to be one of those 3 guys 2 girls thing
Nick 42160: s
SaffyCat: and it has to be super literary, cuz that's the only way brutus can get off
Nick 42160: the hospital library
SaffyCat: scrambled recreations of great literary sex scenes
Nick 42160: with better orgasms than to the lighthouse
SaffyCat: whoa
Nick 42160: you know it
SaffyCat: little do we know that the library is a front for the secret storage place for all those eggs served every day
SaffyCat: so PETA's upon us just as the orgy's winding down into a discussion of Globalization and the Fate of Sex in Literature
Nick 42160: someone's leg hits a book on the comparative historiography shelf (where nobody goes) and activates a secret passage
Nick 42160: letting them in
SaffyCat: PETA is conflicted by overwhelming desires to fight animal mistreatment or get laid
SaffyCat: sex wins, and there's another orgy on the pile of eggs
Nick 42160: the penn branch of peta is 63 percent hot and female, so i stand up in the middle and give a lecture on the ethical merits of hedonistic sexual abandon
SaffyCat: (while your TA helpfully removes your pants)
Nick 42160: in a defiant act of bitter irony, brutus distributes unlabeled sheepskin condoms
SaffyCat: hehe
Nick 42160: he's a keeper
SaffyCat: anyway, PETA holds an emergency congress and decides this is a much simpler way to stick it to the man
SaffyCat: so to speak
SaffyCat: but will our heroes find love, amid all this mindless sex?
Nick 42160: initiating national "fuck tha police" month
Nick 42160: maybe next episode
SaffyCat: i guess they already accomplished a lot, replacing an annoying national movement with a skanky one
Nick 42160: for now, they all shower off (as a group, of course) and go get bubble tea
SaffyCat: and your TA later discovers she's pregnant by PETA's baby
SaffyCat: collectively
Nick 42160: surprise ending!
Nick 42160: yikes
Nick 42160: that's too much animal-rights man-juice for me to imagine
SaffyCat: i prefer not to imagine